Every week in Rambling Dispatches, resident malcontent Quinn McGee rants about whatever he damn well pleases.

Justin Bieber. The golden child. Looks like 2013 is starting pretty rough, huh? I was looking for something to write about this week, and to my surprise it looks like Justin Bieber might be having one of the worst starts to a new year of any celebrity I’ve seen in a long time. It’s interesting to me that a guy who appears to have everything he could ever want could mess things up so badly in such a short amount of time. As much as there is a lot of hate about Bieber, I actually have a soft spot in my heart for him. Think about it; he was a boy when he was thrust into this world, and as far as we know, he was just left to the wolves. I never really hear about his parents being involved, and based on how he has been behaving, I would assume that they aren’t that involved now. He was actually kind of raised by Usher, if you think about it. It’s kind of amazing that Biebs doesn’t have a womanizing problem, since it was kind of Usher’s thing when they were of similar age…

Well, maybe he does have a problem with women, because one of the things that has been reported this week is that he and Selena Gomez are done for good. Apparently they were hanging out in a mansion in Mexico (as we all do) before New Year’s, and Selena got up, walked out and left the country (again, standard procedure). It was sighted that Selena was not forgiving Justin, so I guess it would be safe to assume that Justin shat the bed. Some reports say that it was just a huge fight, others say it was some Victoria’s Secret model getting too close to Justin that caused the rupture. I would lean toward the latter, because he is an 18-year-old kid. The model in question, Barbara Palvin, is a 19-year-old lingerie model. They met when he was preforming at the VS runway show a few months back, and this could be where it started. So maybe Justin did get a bit of Uncle Usher in him when he was coming of age, but let’s be serious here: he’s a teenagers and is bound to make mistakes like this. I knew I was attracted to every leggy girl I saw when I was 18, so I can’t fault him.

One thing I can’t really be sympathetic for is what happened last week after the holiday, where Biebs was photographed apparently smoking some weed with Lil Twist. (Apparently he’s a famous rapper?) First off, Justin was coming back to L.A. fresh out of a break-up that he was apparently sad about, which maybe led to this naughty behavior. The most shocking thing that happened was actually not his fault. He lent one of his Ferraris to Lil Twist (thank God it was just one of the Ferraris), and he ended getting pulled over, because 18-year-olds shouldn’t have Ferraris. While this guy is getting pulled over, a “freelance photographer” (because “Asshole” looks bad on a business card) got out of his car, walked into the street and was struck dead by an oncoming car as he was trying to get a picture of what he thought was Justin Bieber at a police stop. Smash cut to next day next day: the scene is set with Lil Twist and his brother rolling joints and Bieber happily smoking them and apparently posing for pictures. Someone dies and everyone is baked.

Justin, I don’t know if there is anything I can say that can redeem you in this situation. Consider looking for a different friend; you might want to start with one who doesn’t have to borrow your car, play a small part in an unintentional homicide and then gets you caught with marijuana. If there’s one thing this whole situation did, it was validate all of Gomez’s claims to not forgive you, because you had one of the wildest rebound periods in history. I’m not sure many break-ups happen that involve accidental death. I won’t not going to knock the kid for doing drugs, because he is a teen in Hollywood and they all seem to get caught at one point or another. That being said, he certainly knows how to make the news…

Or maybe that’s what he wanted to do the whole time, because he also confirmed this week that he is going to be hosting Saturday Night Live on February 9 and gave the all-clear to the writers to use the whole weed thing in a sketch. It could be that Justin has a game plan in mind when it comes to the whole situation. The plot thickens, and I hope that Uncle Akon can sort it out, since he was also on record saying that he was going to have a talk with Justin about his behavior. You know, because what he needs is more famous Hollywood rappers interfering with his life. I know that Justin Bieber isn’t an orphan and that he has parents. Did they just give up? Where are their statements about their son’s behavior? Apparently his parents don’t exist, and Justin just has an adopted rapper family to take care of him. So Justin, I think it’s time to maybe take a break and relax a bit. If you do anything else this week, you’re going to break the internet.