Every week in Rambling Dispatches, resident malcontent Quinn McGee rants about whatever he damn well pleases.

So it’s the first week of the new year. It’s a time for reflection, for hair of the dog, for the buying and use of pregnancy tests because YOLO and saying “I’ll never do that again,” while most likely doing that again in a matter of weeks. I say all this because I always found the idea of New Year’s resolutions a bit stupid. It always implied to me that people can’t make a change for themselves without being forced by some social contract where you have to put it to words, Facebook message, Tweets, etc. I tend to make changes when I want to and stick to them hardly ever, because greasy food tastes good. As much as I would like to go to the gym, a) the couch is softer, b) I know how many asses were on it, c) I don’t have the douche in a Tapout shirt asking if I lift and d) if I wanted to see so much exposed penis in a locker room, there are sites for that.

This all being said, I really did wish there was some magic power behind the New Year’s resolution. Like some kind of enforcer who keeps people who make these people keep the promises they made. And with that statement, here are some of the New Year’s resolutions that I hope were made this year by the celebrities who need them.

The rise of John Carter

This is kind of a shoutout to our dear editor Dom, but I hope that Taylor Kitsch made the resolution to actually research a fucking role he’s given and make better choices. I think the guy could be a great actor if given the correct role, but either he is offered them and doesn’t take them, or he has had the worse run of luck out of all actors ever. Think about it: he did three movies in his breakout year, and all of them were horrible disasters where his shot at any major role for 2013 was brought down with them. Now, I don’t think the guy is down and out, but dammit he needs to make some better choices. You can say that it was a series of unfortunate events, and the three bad movies were not his fault, but I don’t believe that such a powerful string of coincidences could happen. Some of the fault has to land on him, because he said yes to all of these things. I saw the trailer for John Carter and instantly put it on my “rent and laugh at” list because it looked like shit. And it was. Battleship is something I won’t get into, because it’s based on a two-player board game. Savages might be the one role that sounded good and ended up horrible. I will give him that one coincidence. So Taylor Kitsch, if you’re reading this, I still have hope for you, just pick them better.

Never ever (ever) getting back together

Speaking of Taylors and picking them better, let’s talk about Taylor Swift. I finally watched the video for Taylor Swift’s “I Knew You Were Trouble,” and I can firmly say that I am done defending her. I wrote about her already and tried to defend her and give tough love at the same time. Not anymore. The new album is garbage and she shit on her fanbase. I’m actually beginning to get annoyed with the same tone and poor writing of all her songs too. They are all break-up songs. She’s become an angsty, talentless pop princess with splashes of dubstep Adele. I can only now hope that she’s resolved to stop dating guys for at least a year after the inevitable breakup with Harry from One Direction. This girl runs through boys faster than anyone I have ever seen. And she is a firm believer that love is special.

We all can see how One Direction is doomed with this relationship, right? She is going to date him, the band will get concerned, and then the band will break up because Harry is spending all his time with her. Yoko Ono did this to The Beatles, Demi Lovato did this to The Jonas Brothers. History is repeating itself, and Taylor Swift is at the reins. I really hope she stops dating for a bit, because she refuses to acknowledge that she might be the source of all these horrible break-ups that she feels so inclined to write about like they were all out to hurt her. (Kudos to all my friends who pointed this out.) Just like Taylor Kitsch, I cannot believe that it is just pure bad luck on her part. When the same thing keeps happening to you, you have to start thinking you might be the problem. Taylor Swift might just be that problem, so for the good of yourself and others, please take a break and think for a bit. Besides, the Directioneers might kill you, so keep an eye open for a while.

The coming of the Desolate One, or: Kimye’s baby

Kris Kardashian, please make the resolution to stay out of the life of Kim and Kanye’s future child. I am almost sympathetic to Kim, because I think her damn mother is a Grade A nutcase and has pushed the whole clan to a point of insanity that we eat up on television because we’re stupid. This is a new baby with enough ego and self-image problems for a lifetime, if its parents are any indication. Now, I defend children of stars and pop-culture idiots because they are unable to defend themselves. That’s why I hope Kris is reading this; this baby doesn’t need any more fuel added to this already raging inferno of psychotic issues just waiting to happen. I hope that Kim and Kanye can keep the fame whoring down and be good parents, because I know Kris cannot as a grandmother.