Happy Olympics! I wish I could weigh in on the Olympics, but I haven’t had a chance to watch. From what I gathered from the stills, the opening was a tasteful depiction of farmers revolting against the giant baby of industry, while Americans tweeted about “world peace.” Nailed it, Danny Boyle! The most I’ve been able to celebrate the Olympics has involved reading British tabloid journalism, or as it’s more commonly called, British journalism (lawlz jk Guardian jk). Let’s bark some trashy takedowns while we take a look at who took gold medals in pop-cultural douchebaggery!

Heavy Asshatting

Mitt Romney’s week in London was an international comedy of errors that goes beyond Blunderdome.  He comes in like a proudly pithy relative, commenting on all the things that should have gone better.   Next, he really pisses off Palestine, because Mitt Romney is a man WITH NO TIME TO LOSE. I try not to talk overtly about politicians unless they either deserve it or are a delicious example of awfulness, but he’s been accused of racism twice just on this trip alone! The aforementioned, jk’d Guardian posted a full inventory of the American Borat’s London gaffes. In five years, a movie will be made inspired by Mitt Romney’s visit to London. It will star Kevin Costner or someone of equal caliber. It will be as terrible as it ought to be.

100 Meter Hate

Chick-Fil-A is the only reason corporations should be treated like people. They still don’t deserve tax breaks for their success, but if they act like a bigot, they should be ostracized as one. They’ll still get invited to parties, but they know they shouldn’t show up. Rahm and Alderman Joe Moreno have voiced their opinions against Chick-Fil-A moving further into Chicago, but we forget about that pesky First Amendment. It’s their American right to be anti-gay marriage assholes, as long as they don’t discriminate against employees, like firing women so they can be stay-at-home moms. My main problem is that it has taken the relatively innocent chicken sandwich and turned it into edible homophobia. I propose a new banking service: every time you make a purchase at an anti-gay marriage company, double that spent amount is deducted from your bank account and automatically donated to an opposing, progressive charity. If there are services like this, please leave them in the comments. If not, let’s please figure out how to do this.

Synchronized Staring

Earlier this week, Kristin Stewart was caught cheating on Footface with Old Man Director. Everyone cares and it doesn’t matter. “He’s efi fn fnud fjfei” she said. “I sdsf oir, I sidd fij, I isjg ijd.” Yet, when sijd ro a fbnj, Efiirntr Oroeifome sjdisj asdja asojdoijsad  sdiojasodij saoj. Asoidja! “diwejf fdj the Huntsman 2” wij feyq-8  emotions djbw.

Doubles Michael Phelps

American broadcasters don’t know what else to talk about except Michael Phelps. Even when it came time to honor the dead of the Munich Olympics, or the victims of the 7/7 Suicide Bombings in London, NBC heard the moment of silence as dead air, and took this low-excitement moment as an opportunity to show yet another damn Michael Phelps interview. It’s like we were going to hit some bars with the UK, but then vented about 9/11 the entire time, finally passing out on their couch, promising to be there for them and then ignoring all of their calls. I understand that major broadcasters are wont to be heartless, but the global scale cements that sentiment deeper. Whatevs, we have a merman on our team, and we’re going to interview him whenever shit gets too emotional for us. The world’s just jealous.