Do you have an Internet-connected game console or handheld? Yeah? Then this week probably will have something of interest for you. If not then might I suggest visiting your local library and reading up on how to steal the Internet from neighbors. Remember, kids, it’s not a crime if you don’t get caught.

The Amazing Spider-Man (PS3, X360, Wii, 3DS, DS)

What sets this game apart from the countless other Spider-Man games? Ummm…Peter Parker is modelled on Andrew Garfield…otherwise I think we maybe need a break from the wall crawler. How about we work on a game for the new Green Arrow TV series because that would be sweet. Also, this was out last week at my Best Buy, they broke the street date, I contacted the police, the police laughed, story of my life.

Spec Ops: The Line (X360, PS3)

Didn’t they just release this? Oh, wait, that was Ghost Recon. Same game, different name. Bored now.

Record of Agarest War 2 (PS3)

Lame Deadpan Joke: Must have been a long war…
Lame Hipster Joke: The sound quality is way better than MP3 of Agarest War 2
War always is cuter with anime kids…except for Grave of the Fireflies. That movie instilled a deep seated fear that I would become an orphan in WWII-ravaged Japan. Hasn’t happened yet so I guess I can bide my time with this strategy RPG.

London 2012 – The Official Video Game of the Olympic Games (X360, PS3)

Don’t let all those imposter games fool you, this game is the one true Olympic games game….game. It promises to make you feel like you’re actually experiencing the games, so get ready for 20 hour training days, bone-shattering injuries, and one killer swimmer’s bod. Remember California Games for the NES? That’s what all these games are just a blatant rip-off of. I’ll stick to failing simple diving and running tasks on a retro console, thank you very much.

Donwloadable Round-up

Alright, let’s bang these out as fast as possible since I’ve got Pokemon that need capturing: Xbox 360 owners get the first batch of DLC for Skyrim in the form of Dawnguard while PS3 owners can continue hoping for a patch that makes the game not completely bite on their console. That’s cool, though, since the PS3 gets the Resident Evil: Chronciles HD Collection, the perfect way to get a crash course in the storyline of the series without all that pesky puzzle-solving.  Both console fanboys can download Close Quarters for Battlefield 3 which introduces new ways to shoot people which is always cool. Finally, dungeon crawling fans (namely me) can download Unchained Blades on the PSP (and maybe 3DS, the release schedule for that is sketchy).