Have you been following the bird blogs? No? Well, luckily you’re reading this. Biologists have discovered a new, very unique bird. “But aren’t all birds are unique?,” you may ask? Yes, and we are all fleshy snowflakes, but this particular snowflake bird has a peculiar way of avoiding danger. Instead of fighting off predators with well-placed pecks or flying away, the Eurasian roller vomit bird pukes all over itself. The barf bird grosses out the pursuer, and the smell of its unprocessed inner beauty alerts nearby family of possible danger. The only way the Eurasian roller vomit bird can ensure living is by panic puking, something that is so inherently gross and hysterical to anyone who doesn’t have to cover themselves in vomit for survival. There is almost a righteousness to it, because this is what it has evolved to do. That vomit-covered bird knows what works, so it’s completely in the right.

That being said, there must have been a lot of danger happening on St. Patty’s Day. Every curb seemed to be splattered with somebody’s beigey-green five gallon footlong, meaning they trusted their instincts. As I drove by scads of drunk kids on my way to a very important meeting (wherein many orcs were killed), I realized the greatness of schadenfreude isn’t just in the misery of others. Rather, it can also be a voyeuristic humor, watching someone from a radically different context and situation fail in spectacular fashion. As an exact opposite of the roller vomit, a very drunk child covers himself in the day’s fun because getting publicly day drunk is a dumb social mandate kids adhere to. Both are funny because a) the completely different contexts in which the puking happened and b) puke is funny. To summarize my point, we have to start acting smarter, or in 300 years we will evolve into people who puke due to social awkwardness, and not because we ate too many 4 a.m. hotdogs.

Speaking of 4 a.m. hotdogs, Chicago’s own late-night shame shanty is getting its own reality show. Lakeview’s Wiener Circle premieres tonight on TruTV. The show invites drunkards to compete in different challenges for glory and free greasy grub, and will most likely only have three broadcast-safe words spoken in every episode. For those who have never been, Wiener Circle is famous for the drunk  students and businessmen who come in to yell at the sassy black woman operators, who swear back.  It’s horribly uncomfortable if you’re not drunk and don’t like hearing what drunk privilege sounds like. Drunk privilege: not nearly as delightful as Arthur makes it out to be. However, what was once an encounter with an unruly late night crowd has become a reality show, giving the staff an extra paycheck. They are keeping themselves afloat by yelling at drunk college kids in comical ways. The original survival technique meant to repulse offensive crowds has become a boon. They panic-spewed hate all over the clientele, and it has lead to a reality show.

Lesson learned from March 14^th-20^th:   follow your stomach.

Here are some other news chunks:

The filmmaker of KONY 2012 read my last article and posted a response video.

The Jim Henson company is making a puppet noir film. It’s like Who Framed Roger Rabbit, but with Muppets. Here’s to some edgy puppet hi-jinx.

A Batman stage show that has toured in the UK and Mexico is finally coming to the states. Batman Live is an all-ages show, and looks absolutely nutso.