That was a close one!

Internet-Americans, we have saved Africa! Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony woke up last Wednesday and watched Invisible Children’s now-famous KONY 2012 video. He immediately canceled the day’s plans just to sit home and mope about all the terrible things he’s done. He listened to the murmurous rhythm of the morning broadcasts as he stared into his breakfast Hot Pocket and mused, “Do I deserve its golden goodness?” Guards asked him if he wanted to play some cards, maybe drink some beers tonight after kidnapping more children, but he waved them on. “Go on without me, guys,” he said, staring out the window. “I gotta sit this one out.” He then sealed himself in a box and sent himself to the UN.

At least this is what I assumed what happened when everyone posted tweets, .gifs and memes on every social network for two days, then completely abandoned the news by the weekend. In reality, he just stayed at his computer and liked cupcakes on Pintrest like the rest of us.

In non-joke actuality, Kony’s a monster and Invisible Children is a shady non-for-profit. No amount of KONY 2012 action packs are going to make them more legitimate. Despite the fact that we’ve been duped, I’d like to say I’m really impressed that all it takes is 30 minutes of good editing and blatant emotional appeals to win the world’s heart and mind. I had never seen so many people so instantly optimistic about taking down Ugandan warlords. Where would we be if every organization had the same editing prowess? We’re the same culture that puts hurt pets and Sarah McLachlan on television in order to drum up frustrated sympathy. We suffer from surprise bombardments of cleft-palatted babies as if shock equals pity and payments. These causes suffer because they don’t have a pretentious 30 minute infomercial that grabs at heart strings like french fries.

We have compassion when we need it. Usually, we misplace it in reality television or general shit that doesn’t matter. This is understood, which is why The Bachelor just concluded another season. It’s also why, sometimes, people think reality shows about kids with cancer could be hot. Or interviews with death row inmates right before they’re executed.

KONY 2012 shouldn’t be remembered as the time young America cared about Uganda for a few days. It should go down as a victory for internet journalists, who questioned the organization into a rightful oblivion. We need accountable journalism now more than ever before, or else every cause will have a video starting with stats, facts, and stating “the rules have changed” until the world is run by unscrupulous non-profits. More whistleblowers will help, too. Hell, even Robert Downey Jr. is doing what he can.

Here are some other stories from this past week:

Comedy troupe Broken Lizard announced their wishes to make a Super Troopers sequel. Here’s hoping copyright problems don’t halt the shenanigans.

John Mellencamp and Stephen King are very excited to finally wrap up their musical. What.

Every once in a while, a new device comes out that seems like it belongs in a dystopian landscape or a Mortal Kombat game. Either way, I love the future, and I dont care if I look like Bane wherever I go.