This week, the Heave staff considers:

If you were a Pokemon, which Pokemon would you be?

Amy Dittmeier

Okay, are we talking original 150 here? Because then it’s between Ponyta and Ninetales. But if we’re talking all the Pokemon ever, then I have to choose Lantern. Water type and electric, a truly formidable foe in combat. And it’s totally adorable.

Mike Haverty

Marowak, the only Pokemon that confronts mortality. Marowak evolves from Cubone, who wears the loosely fitting skull of his mother as a helmet (Pokedex that shit). I’m not sure if it’s the same in later Pokemon games, but death never happens for either Pokemon or people. Even Pokemon who learn Self-Destruct only “faint” afterwards. Therefore, Cubone is somehow the only Pokemon unstuck in the Pokemon universe. When Cubone evolves, Marowak’s growth changes the skull’s shape. It is now a better helmet, fitting snugly to the contours of Marowak’s head. He has turned his adolescent pain and confusion into a strength. Life has probably made him angry, but he’s using that fire to fight. The one thing that sets him apart empowers him. And when that Marowak finds a mate, both already know that the mother is doomed to die for their Cubone.  It’s the most tragic and beautiful story in the Pokemon universe. Also, he learns Bone Rush at level 43, and that was hysterical when I was twelve.

Dominick Mayer

Though I’m rather partial to whatever that ice cream thing is that kind of looks like the tattoo on Gucci Mane’s face, I’ll go with Poliwrath, for two major reasons.

1) He’s what happens when an adorable Poliwag takes steroids and gets swole as fuck.

2) If you listen to the assumed voices in the cartoon, Poliwag has a cute, chirpy declaration of its own name. Poliwhirl, the middle evolution, sounds kind of like a chicken man. Then there’s Poliwrath, who makes a guttural noise that sounds like it originated on the ninth level of Dante’s inferno.

Nico Lang

None of the above. I would be a Digimon. Pokemon is too mainstream.