Recently the Gladiator himself, Russell Crowe, took a stance on a very controversial issue: circumcision. Unfortunately, Crowe took his stance on Twitter, which immediately caused a huge backlash from droves of people who think foreskin is “icky”. Here is what went down in the Twitterverse:

“Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature? Is it real that GOD requires a donation of foreskin? Babies are perfect.”

“I will always stand for the perfection of babies, i will always believe in God, not man’s interpretation of what God requires.”

“last of it, if u feel it is yr right 2 cut things off yr babies please unfollow and f**k off, I’ll take attentive parenting over barbarism.”

A follower asked if Crowe was “comparing sexual mutilation w/ a Jewish ceremonial act?!”, Crowe tweeted: “Can you actually read the words you just typed ‘a ceremonial act’, F— that. The Mayans had ceremonial acts too.”

Yes, the Mayans did have ceremonial acts.

But above all my favorite Tweet came when a follower said the practice is hygenic, and Crowe replied, “Hygenic? Why don’t you sew up your ass then?” That brought on the lolz!

But then came that moment when Crowe had his seed of regret for telling the truth and deleted his tweets while offering this apology: “I have a deep and abiding love for all people of all nationalities, I’m very sorry that I have said things on here that have caused distress.”

“My personal beliefs aside I realize that some will interpret this debate as me mocking the rituals and traditions of others. I am very sorry.”

Honestly, the apology kind of pissed me off, in the same way putting a toe through a clean sock pisses me off. I believe in the concept of what Russell was trying to convey. Circumcision IS barbaric AND stupid. So, for you dear reader, I put together a list of people who make dumbest excuses in support of genital mutilation, and of course top it off with the ever popular “playlist for jerks”.

This was taken at the last Heavemedia corporate meeting.

The Religious Nut
Listens to: Matisyahu-“Ancient Lullaby”

People have been trying to justify circumcision via religious ceremony for centuries. Historically, circumcision started as a way to categorize people into a specific group. If you were to build a time machine and went back to ancient Egypt you might be shocked to find that instead of shaking hands, or giving hugs, ancient people scoped out each other’s dongs. Of course, I’m making that up. It is speculated that circumcision was first used as a way to keep tracks of slaves. Then somewhere along the lines it became sort of a sacrifice to the god’s.

In ancient Egypt, for instance, they would hold mass circumcision ceremonies, where they would whack the foreskin off (get it) with a sharp stone (insert male reader’s wincing face here). This was done to give them access to the mysteries of life while celebrating a young boy’s journey into manhood. Now sure, it sounds silly to you now, until you look at modern religions.

Presumably as the worst practical joke in history, someone wrote Genesis where God told Abraham to circumcise himself, his household and his slaves as an everlasting covenant in their flesh. Those who were not circumcised were to be “cut off” from their people (Genesis 17:10–14). This is where Jews, Muslims, and Christians (although the Christians were extremely wishy-washy about it) got the idea to filet their wangs.

Look, I’m all for religious freedom. Honestly, you should worship who you want, how you want, as long as you don’t harm anyone else. That is the key. You shouldn’t make life altering decisions for someone when they don’t have the intellectual or physical capacity to stop you. And by life altering, I mean chopping off a piece of skin that promotes sexual health because a really old book tells you that is what God wants. Could you imagine if a religion insisted you tattoo a baby because god demands it? No one would stand for that. Or how about a religion that insists that God wants you to take more than one wife, say like the Mormons? Think about that insanity. It’s illegal to take more than one husband or wife, even if they are consenting adults, but it’s perfectly fine to chop the foreskin off a baby boy. Are you fucking kidding me?

Not sure how this anti-masturbation device worked, but I’m sure it didn’t.

For Christians, god sent his son, Jesus, to die for their sins, and absolving them of the need to make sacrifices. So the Abraham Covenant doesn’t really apply to them. So why in the hell is circumcision so popular in America, where Christianity is the largest religion? You can probably guess. Americans anti-sex attitude help propel circumcision to becoming a household practice. In fact, it was John Harvey Kellog, you know the guy that brought us Corn Flakes, who promoted circumcision as a way to eliminate masturbation. As if! These Puritanical nuts went so far as to bind the penis in leather, chastity belts, or my favorite, plaster of paris.

If it’s dirty, let’s cut it off!

The Hygienist
Listens to: Weird Al Yankovich-“Germs”

Another idiot who constantly tries to justify themselves when it comes to circumcision is “The Hygienist”. Yes folks, apparently these people are completely oblivious to this modern miracle we have called soap. “What’s this soap thing?” you may be asking. Well, it comes in either an easy to dispense bottle or bar and has bacteria fighting agents. Apply it directly to the area you’d like to be clean, and it will magically lather, killing a lot of disease and infection causing bacteria. Seriously, give a young man some soap and tell him to wash his wiener, and I can guarantee he will get that fucker clean.

Yes parents, before a baby is too old to clean their own package, it is your job to do it for them. If wiping their ass is cool, but peeling back a flap of skin to clean their knobs isn’t, then maybe you aren’t mature enough to have a baby anyway? Just saying.

Yes, smegma is a little like this.

I understand that in the days before indoor plumbing there may have been an issue with keeping the penis clean. The foreskin produces smegma. Smegma is a cheese like substance that forms on between the head of the penis and the foreskin. It acts as a lubricant, therefore making masturbation and intercourse much more intense. It does need to be cleaned, but it’s there for a purpose.

There have also been studies that say that circumcision helps reduce the chance of getting HIV. Do I really have to say this? Use a freaking condom. Condoms are much more effective in reducing your chance to get HIV or AIDS. Let me repeat it. Wear a freaking condom. Always!

Obviously, I don’t know how fashion works.

The Fashionista
Listens to: Madonna-“Vogue”

This is the person who I hate the most. You can almost forgive someone for not understanding that Holy Scriptures weren’t meant to be taken literally, as you can forgive someone who has never used soap. But removing a piece of the body that you were born with just because someone thinks it looks “funny”? I have a major issue with this.

Most males in the US are circumcised. Most kids are assholes. So, yes, if your little buddy looks different than everyone else in the locker room you will get made fun of. Who gives a shit? If kids aren’t teasing each other about their baby elephant trunks, they will tease one another about their freckles, or the fact that their daddy ran away with the baby sitter. Tough shit! Toughen up. Earn that pecker son!

Now here is the point of the article where I’m supposed to come up with all the reasons why we SHOULD keep foreskin. However, when all the reasons to remove it are just so asinine, I’m not going to do that. Instead, I’m going to dare you to think about it without the chains of religion, infection scares, or aesthetics.

You see, the thing is, as males, we were born with foreskin for a reason. And as a male who has been circumcised, I’m extremely pissed that my parents chose to remove a part of my body without my consent. I have no problem whatsoever with people who choose to be circumcised. I think it’s dumb, but if you are mature enough to make that decision, more power to you. If you choose to remove a portion of someone’s body, that isn’t at all a threat to their own existence, well, that is criminal. I don’t care what kind of superstitious nonsense a really old book tells you, how “dirty” you might think it is, or how silly you think it looks. Let the child choose for themselves when they are mature enough to make decisions of that magnitude. Until then, keep your hands away from little boy’s peepees!