With the release of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 this past Tuesday, gamers the nation (and world) over have gotten right back into the swing of all that comes with being really good at this game: blisters, irrational anger, a distaste for the three one-liners that Deadpool spits ad nauseum. The series has always been fun because it’s a demanding fighter without getting into the BlazBlue territory of “Fuck you, game, I don’t even want to do this anymore.” That said, for a newbie (myself included), it’s still a pretty hard learning curve to dig into. With that in mind, this week’s edition of Listless would like to examine…

The Top Five Most Ego-Damaging Things about Marvel Vs. Capcom 3

1) Being put with a fellow “beginner” in online mode only to get mercilessly abused from the minute you’re instructed to “FIGHT!” This is the act of smurfing, or beating up on new guys because you just got the game and therefore are listed as a mere beginner. Nothing is more humbling than getting your shit pushed by somebody that, deep down, you know is eight years old.

2) The moment when you begin battle against the team of Hulk (especially the terrifying, iris-less Red Hulk), Sentinel and Haggar. If I was in that pre-fight face-off in real life, I would run like a bitch and never look back.

3) That Spiderman’s black-and-green outfit option (or Internet Spiderman) isn’t an instance of Spidey being attacked by the symbiote, nor was this in any of the games such as Shattered Dimensions or any major comic arcs that come to mind, so you spend way too much time getting angry about this flagrant breach of Spiderman canon to notice yourself getting repeatedly kicked in the face.

4) Upon Googling Felicia (from Darkstalkers), you’ll find more hentai than you can shake a penetrating tentacle at. You will laugh. And then you’ll watch that hot, anthropomorphic, nun-raised cat girl murder your entire team before any of them ever touch the ground.

5) Realizing you’ve purchased a fighting game without knowing how to successfully execute a quarter circle on a D-pad, so that you can enjoy having your dignity shredded by your smug roommate and all his friends who actually know how to make Deadpool shoot people in the face and do other cool things. Dicks.