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The Cultural Roundtable

Given the choice, which Disney character would you date...or bang?

We all know that as children, Disney movies taught us a lot about life. They taught us to love our families, process our grief, and, of course, they taught us about hot, throbbing desire. So, this week HEAVE posed a question to its Culture writers: Which disney character would you date / sleep with?

Mark Steffen: I posed this question to my girlfriend: an urban ecology and sustainability student.  She suggested that I go with Pocahontas.  Her reasoning: Pocahontas is the only Disney character that ever taught her man anything.  She's also is "all earthy," stands for something, isn't a trick, and wears a kickass, uber-hipster headband.

HOWEVER, I'm going to have to go with Nala from The Lion King.  She's the perfect long-term chick.  She was there for Simba since day one, she already knows about his father dying (no awkward "this is why I'm so messed up" talk needed), and she let Simba have his fun (we all know about those Hakuna Matata days).  She played hard to get and forced Simba into that whole "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" thing which, seriously, is kinda awesome if you're not just trying to hit and run a chick.  On top of it all, she comes to Simba's aid in that final fight.  How many girlfriends have you had that will jump in during a bar fight?  Oh, none?  That's cause you haven't dated a lion.  Get real.

Tricia O’Sullivan: I would totally date Rafiki from the Jungle Book. He's so mysterious and stylish, and don't even get me started on his luxurious fur and beautiful blue face. Rafiki is so wise and poised and always has an answer to all of life's questions. I feel like I could learn a lot from him- especially in the sack. He's a beautiful artist, a beautiful soul- a beautiful baboon. 

I think on our date, Rafiki would start by painting my portrait on a rock, naked. Then we would smash coconuts on his head and I would lick off the sweet milk. Then, we'd make love in the moonlight. Rafiki and Tricia, together forever.

Amy Dittmeier: My first crush when I was a kid was Sherlock Holmes.  I joke not.  Here I am, six years old reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle mysteries dreaming about dating Sherlock Holmes and living in his awesome house.  I was a weird kid people.  Don't judge.

I already dated a guy that people said looked like Aladdin and since that didn't end the best ("Cocaine Blues" by Johnny Cash would be an appropriate narrative to describe it) I'm afraid that that hottie Arab is out of the running of my Disney Bang List.  After careful consideration and a brief overview of my past dating record, I would have to choose Beast from Beauty and the Beast.  Yes, he is for the majority of the movie a weird beast man.  More animal than human.  But he's the type of guy I would go for.  Well-read, authoritative, a damaged past, living life by means of an enchanted rose.  If I put up with his emo bullshit for a while and helped him become a stand up guy my reward is a bad ass castle with servants and a hot un-beastman boyfriend.  And that awesome ballgown that Belle wears in the epic dance scene to the theme song "Beauty and the Beast."  Beastiality comments aside, he is the best bet.

P.S. Isn't it oddly appropriate that "The Bad Touch" came on while I was writing this?

Max Alborn: The irony of this question is that I will be going on an 8 day road trip to Disneyland, CA when I go home to Oregon over the Winter Break and have been replaying "Kingdom Hearts" as a result. Needless to say, I'm a little ramped up on the Disney as of this moment; though I never thought it would be posed that I'd end up dating one of them. Let's just get this out of the way: I would not date Donald Duck. I'd probably cook him within a day, if only to shut him up. If I had to choose though, I'd go with Prince Eric. You know...from "The Little Mermaid"? You don't KNOW such secondary, non-engaging characters?! Well, I'd totally go with the Prince. He may not be the sharpest tool in the shed nor have much to say, but he loves his dog (ironically named Max) and he loves the sea. A love of dogs and a love of the ocean are my two ideals in the perfect Mr.Right...in Disney form anyways. Not to mention he's a fracking prince, so there better be an allowance of some kind...I need a new coat.

Alyssa Vincent: Disney has ruined any chance I may have had at being happy in a relationship with a real-life human being. And no, it's not because I expect guys to treat me like princesses or anything lame like that. It's because no man could ever be as attractive as those devilishly handsome cartoon characters. I've contemplated this query for approximately three days, and as of this morning, it came down to Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid and Aladdin from...well, Aladdin. I've thrown these two chaps up on my computer side-by-side (courtesy of Google Image), and realized two things: 1) I'm pretty unoriginal when it comes to my taste in cartoon dates. They look almost exactly alike. Disney seems to style dark hair in only one way, so both Aladdin and Eric have the same glorious coif that makes me swoon. 2) I've never been on a really expensive date, but would like to someday. You would think that I would choose Prince Eric, given the whole monarchy connection. HOWEVER, Aladdin can steal like a mofo, and everything (including high-priced dates) is more exciting when it's taken illicitly.

Aladdin, you win. Dust off that carpet and get ready to serenade me against a backdrop of the night sky.