I can’t even put into words how awesome this is.

 Thank you, NBC.  Thank you from the bottom of my childhood heart.

Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce Is Coming To Town.

If you’ve turned on a television set in the last 25 years chances are you’ve caught an episode or two of a little show called MASH. It’s star and sometimes co-writer and director, Alan Alda (Hawkeye Pierce) will be appearing at the Tivoli Theatre September 27 in Downers Grove, IL.
The only reason I am mentioning this here on Heave is because I am absolutely lollipops when it comes to the show MASH. I have shirts, books, box sets, and yes, even a Hawkeye Pierce action figure. Creepy I know.

Mr. Alda’s appearance coincides with the release of his latest memoir “Things I Overheard While Talking to Myself.” The program includes admission for two, a copy of the book, a screening of Same Time Next Year, and the opportunity to meet, and have your book signed by the author. I’m so excited my belly button has been puckering and unpuckering all week!
Please do yourselves a favor and enjoy the splendor and repast of the Tivoli Theatre whilst being entertained by a true American icon.

Here’s the info.

An Evening With Alan Alda
Thursday, September 27, at 7:00 p.m. at the Tivoli Theatre,
5021 Highland Ave., Downers Grove
Tickets, $45, are required and are available at Anderson’s
in Downers Grove.

I was watching the White Sox game today (blast those Yankees), and I started to think about what song I would come up to bat to. If you don’t know anything about baseball; each player on the home team has a specific song (or two that alternate) that they come up to when they are up to bat. This usually translates into rap or really shitty rock. When I was younger I always said it would be “Centerfield” by John Fogerty. I also did the the New Kids on the Block dance on the alter at a wedding once; so take my childhood for what its worth. I’d like to think I’m a little bit more creative now, so here are my “Top Five Songs That I Would Come Up To While Playing Second Base For The Pittsburgh Pirates…”

1. Pavement - Cut Your Hair - The beginning would instantly have everybody in a good mood; and they would be completely oblivious to the fact that I’m probably 0-3 on the day with 2 strikeouts.
2. The Unicorns - Clap Your Hands - Apparently my songs just tell people to do things. Either way, a rocking intro.
3. TV on the Radio - Wolf Like Me - I would sort of only want this song played if I knew I was going to do something good. Otherwise, I’d just look really stupid.
4. Guns & Roses - Mr. Brownstone - You probably think this song fits in the “shitty rock” category that I mentioned earlier. Well, it doesn’t. NEXT.
5. Ace Frehley - New York Groove - It would give me the opportunity to strut to home plate, and I’m sure SOMEHOW Gene Simmons would try and sue me, and I’ll do anything to get into the news.

I wanted to put “Be True To Your School” by the Beach Boys on the list because that song always got me pumped up when they performed it on Full House. If you remember, Danny was hosting a telethon and the telethon was short on money. Kimmy Gibler and her unicycle just weren’t cutting it. Anyways, the Beach Boys hit the stage and performed “Be True To Your School” with Uncle Jesse on the drums AND THEY RAISED THAT MONEY. I feel the song would have the same affect on my batting average.

I’m sort of (hugely) a nerd. I like video games, I read message boards, I watch GNR’s “You Could Be Mine” video from “T2: Judgment Day” on Youtube on a fairly regular basis, probably about once a week.

My biggest nerd downfall is the amount of cartoons I watch. I understand that watching cartoons like Family Guy and other shit on Adult Swim is fine, but I go deeper than that. I watch Camp Lazlo everyday before I go to work. I find The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy funny. Hell, I even own the Legend of Zelda: The Animated Series on DVD (to be honest, it was a gift…but I do enjoy it).

My favorite cartoon ever is Futurama, so I was glad when it was confirmed for a second go earlier this year. It didn’t have a release date for awhile, but ta-daaa.

Futurama is back, and now we know in what form. The show will return on November 27th as a full-length high-def film sold on DVD. It will be followed by three additional films, and each film will be divided into four episodes each to be aired on Comedy Central. So, that’s 4 DVD movies or 16 new episodes depending on how you look at it.

Sadly, Futurama will not be appearing at Lollapalooza.

I have been an avid viewer of the Phil Spector trial for the past month now. So much so, that I feel an eerie personal connection with the Court TV hosts who offer comments to or for the guilt of Phil. He is a mesmerizing figure, a studio/songwriting genius, and a complete nut job all in one. He loves the attention and is unforgivable about his courtroom appearance. Phil dons a new wig it seems every three weeks. His hands tremor most likely to a medical side affect.

Throughout the trial we have come to learn of his love for firearms. He is a short man and must yield power some how. Especially in the studio. Most have heard of Dee Dee Ramones selective memory story of how Phil held a gun to Johnny Ramone’s head while recording End Of The Century. This was later proven to be a figment of Dee Dee’s imagination, but still print the myth, right?

Phil is accused of murder. Lana Clarkson, actress and 40-something bombshell, was found slumped in a chair of the Phil Spector “castle,”with bullet in head. Accidental suicide or the obvious conclusion to an eccentric maniacal sound man? I don’t know, both sides have presented an equal argument to the sometime observer.

The LA justice system is a world wide joke. Whereas in this great state of Illinois a case like this would last no longer than 3-4 days, the Spector trial is now on day 36.

There’s nothing that excites an American more than to see their heroes fall. We really , really get off on it. Maury, Jerry, Montel, who’s in the audience but a fantastic cross section of the American dream? They want blood, they want depravity, they don’t care if you live or die. Just as long as you distract them from their own happy lives.

Phil Spector is by no means normal like you and I. He is a modern day slave master to his woman. His story is rife with lovers being held against their will and punished for their audacity to complain. But they always come back. He is a studio genius employing methods of sound manipulation never before seen and never to be duplicated exactly. So I say, set Phil free. He’s made his contribution to society. His ears should be on display in the Smithsonian. Hey kids, It’s Los Angeles. Justice is never served for the people because it will always be reserved for the player.

I remember the first time I heard a recognizable song being played on a commercial. It was 1991, and MC Hammer was going on a World Tour sponsored by Pepsi. “You Can’t Touch This” blasted from the TV, and I danced my little heart out for thirty seconds. The robot is the only dance move I know in the present day, but that wasn’t the case as a seven year old. I did a mean version of Pee Wee Herman’s “tequila” dance. I’m 100 percent sure that popular songs were in commercials long before this; but I’m just happy my first memory of it involved some Hammer Time.

Nowadays this practice is everywhere. Wilco signed a deal with Volkswagen and is currently in every commercial they produce (my favorite being the one with “Sky Blue Sky” playing and the guy trying to impress his girlfriend by turning on the air conditioning to make it look like he has muscles). Also, lets not forget the hilarious version of Of Montreal’s “Wraith Pinned to the Mist and Other Games” that is being featured in Outback Steakhouse’s TV spots.

The idea doesn’t bother me at all. I’m not trying to be one of those “stay away from my music, mainstream” type of kids. However, it does bother me when songs go from being in a movie to a commercial.

I don’t know why this bothers me so much, but I really want to punch Gerber (the company, not the baby) in their advertising head when I hear DeVotchKa’s “How It Ends” in their “mom popping a baby out” commercial. DeVotchKa was featured on the soundtrack to “Little Miss Sunshine.” If you don’t know what it is — “How It Ends” is the first and last song that plays in the movie. It works perfectly in the context of the film, and I suppose it works perfectly in the context of the Gerber commercials…but it had already been done.

Another one is “Such Great Heights” by Iron and Wine. The song isn’t as well done as the Postal Service original, so I’m baffled as to why it got all of the attention in the first place; but the song was featured in “Garden State” and an M and M commercial. The weirdest thing about the M and M cameo is how random the song placement actually is. Any song could have been placed in this commercial which consists of M and M’s floating through the air.

I feel like these songs are being stolen, and I really don’t know why. When I was little I assumed that all songs were written for a specific movie, and I guess I haven’t shaken that idea. To me, GNR wrote “You Could Be Mine” for T2: Judgment Day and Davd Bowie specifically wrote music for Wes Anderson (I’m still trying to figure out how this one works).

When I hear a song I never think “oh this describes me perfectly.” I would think something along the lines of “this song would be playing while I’m at a bar trying to pick up a girl in the movie about my life .” The movie about my life would have to be about nineteen hours long in order to fit in all the music, actually. Also, it isn’t a documentary.

Lately I’ve tried to narrow it down and just say that The Album Leaf would do the soundtrack to my movie — but that doesn’t really cut it. Also, I’d be quite afraid that some Air Conditioning company would use the same Album Leaf song that I used when I was in the park on a swing with my girlfriend, or something.

I guess thats why I’ll never be a director — I’d be too afraid of hearing a song in a commercial. Now lets go Outback tonight.

PS - The song that would play while I was at the bar would be Grandaddy - Stray Dog and The Chocolate Shake. The song that would be playing while I was in the park that would eventually be in an Air Conditioning commercial would be The Album Leaf - Thule. I don’t know why the Air Conditioning place would pick this…but they did.