Transformers: Dark of the Moon officially opens up in theaters on June 29th (2 days before the original July 1st date). By now, it should come as no surprise that I am a huge nerd, and in fact, a huge Transformers nerd. Yes, I’ve even built a large Optimus Prime costume for Halloween, because my life is that sad.

My mom loves me!

When I saw the first Transformer’s movie, all I really wanted to see was some cool ass CG robots turn into some really cool CG vehicles. I got that, so my $7 movie ticket was money well spent. Then there was the 2nd movie…Yeah… There was some cool CG, nice Michael Bay style explosions and action, but that’s about it. I really hoped Bay would some how “up the ante”. It was a huge disappointment. Hell, the movie sucked so bad Megan Fox compared Michael Bay to Hitler! She gone.

Now, the third movie is about to hit theatres. The trailers have me super pumped. And my nerd brain subconscious keeps telling my cool, suave, street smart self, “Michael Bay better not fuck this up for us”. You got that Michael Bay? You better not fuck this up!

Transformers 3 Official Trailer

I’m guessing it’s too late for any reshoots, or re-edits before the movie opens, so instead I’ll use this article to do what the internet intended me to do…look at porn…tell the world how to make a better movie than a director who gets paid millions to make movies! Go internet!

Go Dark

Don’t be afraid to take what could be considered a movie franchise for children and get a little dark and disturbing. With all do respect to the little 8 year old mouth breathers of the world, the Transformers belongs to us children of the 80s. In case you suck at math, that means we are all in our mid thirties. Seriously, wrecking balls made to look like testicles is only mildly funny. We can handle a little more emotion, character development, and depth.

On second thought, robot testicle jokes kill!

In the other two movies, we see a lot of explosions and terroristic behavior on behalf of the Decepticons, but it almost seems irrelevant. When we don’t get to see the way the characters deal with the aftermath of total destruction we lose our ability to care that all the death and destruction is going on. It just becomes another Michael Bay action sequence. Bad guy comes in, bad guy blows shit up, good guy stops him (for now), and everyone makes out with super models. Here’s the deal: someone close to Sam needs to die, and we need to see how he copes with it. It’s the only way we can actually be drawn into caring about anything that goes on in the universe Bay has created.

Avoid Toy Tie-Ins

Only Ashton Kutcher’s acting can ruin a solid story line faster than some pencil pushing number crunching asshole who wants to “sell more merch”. These are the guys that will push any and all crappy merchandise through a script, no matter how square peg in a round hole it is.

You have to keep in mind that the sole purpose of being a “robot in disguise” is so that you can blend in and become “more than meets the eye”. In the beginning of the cartoon series, it was easy to distinguish Autobots from Decepticons. The Autobots were land based cars and the Decepticons could fly. Yes, there were exceptions to that rule, but for the most part it stuck. However, after the success of the series, and toy sales, the writers found themselves plagued with having to write in new characters that could sell toys. With the success of the first two films and merchandising, I hope the third movie doesn’t meet this same fate.

Here are a few of the worst characters that were written into the series just to generate more toy sale revenue:

Omega Supreme was 10 times the size of the other Transformers and would change from a robot into a base. That’s right, a base.

Metroplex was also massively huge, and transformed into a…get this…city block.

Dinobots are robots that turned into dinosaurs, and would be extremely hard to fit into the Transformer universe that Bay has created, but they totally kicked ass in the cartoon and comic book!

Seaspray is a tiny robot turns into a tiny hovercraft. He is also known for being a ladies man. That is, human women, robosexual human women.

Cosmos was an Autobot who was supposedly great at recon missions. He transformed into a UFO, and was known for being lonely. Sounds more like a Go-Bot than a Transformer to me. ZING!

More Starscream

I hated myself for loving Starscream. He was the biggest weasel of all the Decepticon’s and by adding more of him; we could see a power struggle with Megatron. I loved that dynamic in the series. I always felt that Starscream was out only for himself, and wanted to be the true leader of the Decepticons. So far, in the movie franchise, Starscream has completely sucked. Honestly, half the time, I don’t even know which flying robot is supposed to be Starscream.

I’m Starscream bitch!

Adding more Starscream face time could give Bay an opportunity to show just how powerful and cold hearted Megatron really is. And is it too much to ask to have Megatron turn into a fucking laser pistol?

More Back-story

So it’s obvious that I have to somewhat throw out the Transformer Mythos that I already know, and rely on the director to tell me the things I need to know. The problem is, I don’t think Michael Bay has ever watched a Transformers cartoon or read a comic book. Seriously, besides being robots from outer space, what the hell do we know about the Transformers in Bay’s universe?

There has to be more of a back story in this movie. I want to get a better understanding of the War on Cybertron, and how these characters came to choosing their sides in the battle. Up to this point, Bay has only given us, transform-boom-transform-boom-jive talking robots-boom-Megan Fox in a tank top-boom. Not much substance.

I guess what I’m really saying here, is for fuck’s sake Michael Bay, make a fucking movie! You have nearly an unlimited budget. Stop spending every god dam dollar you have on CG, slow motion, super models who can’t act, and explosions! Maybe, just a thought here, you spend a few bucks on some 80s Transformer’s DVDs, some comic books, a few toys, and some writers who know the material. Spend a few weeks with the writers watching cartoons, playing with toys, and reading comic books. Then sit your asses down, and write something with substance.

What do you guys think?