Just in case you have recently sold your worldly possessions in anticipation of the 2011 rapture, and haven’t seen any news coverage lately, it seems that Arnold Schwarzenegger has done the unthinkable by porking the hired help. So many people are incredibly pissed at Arnold. A known womanizer, who happened to “throw one” to the maid, seems to really unnerve a lot of people. Well guess what? Maybe everyone who wants to tar and feather Arnold should get a life. I’m not defending Arnold. I think he’s a scumbag too, but let’s not forget to distribute some finger pointing equally amongst guilty parties. Let me break it down for you.

Personally, I don’t see any resemblance to Arnold.

Mildred the Homewrecker
Listens to: Jay Z-“99 Problems”

First of all there is Mildred “Patty” Baena. Far too often our society wants to castrate males who cheat. Look what happened with Tiger Woods. People demanded a public apology from him, and he lost sponsorships. Meanwhile, his mistresses got book deals, talk show offers, television deals, and somehow became victims of Tiger’s magical evil filled penis. Are you serious? You mean to tell me that none of these ladies knew Tiger Fucking Woods was married? It’s the same thing here with Mildred. Not only did she know that Arnold was married, but she had met his wife, and was employed in their home. Her family also worked there and spoke of how gracious Maria was to their family, “Maria would always make sure to help us, even with the little things, gifts, Christmas stuff, things like that, and now we end up making her go through this crap because of Patty. It’s not cool,” Not cool indeed Mildred!

When you invite someone in your home to take care of your house and your family, you are bestowing on them the ultimate trust. Betraying that kind of trust is akin to being stabbed in the back by a family member. This lady is the worst kind of whore. Not only did she shit all over the hand that fed her, but she never told her son that Arnold was his father. Cheater + Liar = Total Ass.

Maria claims to be unaware of Arnold’s indiscretions.

Maria the Ostrich
Listens to: Dany Janssen-“Daydreamin (The Ostrich Song)

Then we have Maria Shriver herself. Arnold has always been known to fuck around. That muscle head would stick his dick in anything with a skirt. Just ask Jane Seymour! Countless women have come out and said that Arnold has groped or slept with them. Not only does it take TWO to make a marriage fall apart, but you have to ask; what in the hell makes Maria think he would change?

A wise man once told me that, “men marry women thinking they will never change, and women marry men thinking they will change, and both are wrong.” Is this an inherent flaw in the sexes? I’m not really sure, but I do know that there is no way that Maria didn’t know that Arnold was a pig. She was completely fine with it until it became the 24/7 talk of CNN.

Welcome to the Turning Personal Tragedy into a Circus Channel

The Media
Listens to: Abba-“Money Money Money”

This leads me to the next guilty party…the media. Why in the hell has this story been on the news for as much as it has? Do we really give a shit? I guess so, here I am writing this article, and here you are reading it. What the fuck is wrong with us? Are our lives so mundane that we have to get swept up in the personal baggage of a washed up action star and his bag of bones wife? I’m not sure you want the real answer, but I’m going to give it to you anyway. Watching people’s lives fall apart on TV isn’t entertaining or interesting. What it does for us, as human beings, is give us a sense of self improvement without actually having to improve. We can shout to the world, “look at this piece of shit, I’m a much better person than he is.” Humans are naturally wired to give themselves the maximum amount of reward for the least amount of work. That’s exactly why the lottery is popular, and welfare becomes a way of living, for SOME people.

So maybe before we pass judgment on Arnold, Maria, Patty, or any of Arnold’s other mistresses, we should make a promise to the ones WE love. Our promise should be this; every moment of every day we will put OUR relationships first. We will work endlessly to become better people, better communicators, and better lovers. Then next time a huge celebrity couple has a personal tragedy in their relationship, we will hardly notice, because we will be completely involved in making our own love lives stronger.